Stepmom, your feelings matter too

Have you ever had a difficult situation with your stepchild and thought to yourself Well, I shouldnt really complain. Its harder on my partner because its his child, so Ill just keep my mouth shut? Like somehow you werent allowed to be upset because youre not the mom or dad? If so, youre not alone.

When theres a serious situation going on with a child mental or physical illness, addiction, serious behavioral issues, etc stepparents feelings are often invalidated or ignored because theyre just the stepmom or dads girlfriend.

Sometimes this is truly how others are treating us, sometimes its just our perception of how others feel about us and other times its our own self-imposed rule we didnt even realize we had.

Its Not a Competition

There seems to be a belief that because youre not the biological parent, you cant possibly be suffering as much as they are, therefore you should just keep your chin up and mouth shut.

I believe in most cases this isnt an intentional diss by others. In fact, it can be quite subtle. It can be in the way that an extended family member might ask you how your partner is holding up, or states it must be so hard for him, but doesnt ask how youre doing with it. Not acknowledging that maybe, just maybe, its been difficult for you too.

And sometimes its our own beliefs that prevent us from acknowledging our pain. Our internal dialogue telling us to be strong and supportive, that now is not the time for us to acknowledge or process our feelings. And then before we know it, the crisis is over and were moving on to the next.

Honoring your experience

Just because someone elses pain seems to be more intense or they are biologically closer to the person having/causing the issues, it doesnt mean your experience doesnt matter. Maybe their suffering is for their child, and yours may be a combination of pain for what their child is experiencing, but also for the effect its having on your life; the intrusion, the upheaval every time he has an episode.

You may not even realize youve been holding it in, until one day someone sits down with you, looks you in the eye and says Wow, thats got to be incredibly difficult for you. How are you holding up? And then it hits you, Um yeah, actually, its been horrible. And you realize no one has ever said that to you before.

Your experiences and emotions are real. And they deserve to be acknowledged and processed in a healthy way. Even if your partner is too busy with his own pain to be there with you in yours, at the very least take some time alone for this. Or find a good friend (or community) who understands and can be there for you as you express your resentments, anger, pain, hatred, etc without invalidating you by stating that the parents pain must be worse.

Sharing your experience with your partner

Although he may not have the bandwidth to handle it while in crisis mode, when the dust settles, have a conversation with your partner and let him know that you just need him to listen to your experience of the situation and how it affects you. Because it does. If theres something he can do to make it better for you, ask him for that. If not, tell him you just want him to listen. Remember, his default thinking is probably how can I fix this? So if theres no fixing to be done, let him know that.

For example, I cant imagine how hard this is for you and Im happy to talk about that. But right now Id like you to listen to how I experienced the situation what it was like for me. I understand you may not want to do anything differently and that youre doing the best you can but I at least need you to have this information.

If you dont take the time to really work through your emotions and process your pain, youre basically invalidating your importance and you run the risk of repressing powerful emotions that need to be released. And we all know those repressed emotions like to surface at the most inopportune times. A dirty dish at a holiday dinner ends up eliciting a reaction thats really the result of all the crises youve endured in the past few years.

How to Honor and Move Through Emotions

There are many ways to acknowledge your feelings and experiences. Below are a couple of ways Ive found that work really well for most people.

1. Journal. Write down all your thoughts about the situation, even the thoughts youd be too ashamed to speak. Whats important is to let out whats been festering inside of you. And of course be gentle with yourself. No judgments here. Theres no good or bad, just honest thoughts and feelings.
2. Notice your emotions. Are you angry? Sad? Frustrated? Resentful? All of the above? Let the emotions flow. If you need to hit a pillow, do so. If you need to cry until you have no more tears left, do it. Those are healthy expressions of healthy emotions. Then bring your awareness to your body and notice how and where these emotions show up. Maybe a pit in your stomach, a headache, a backache, an aching in your chest, a lump in your throat. Then gently place one hand on that spot and take a breath. Imagine youre breathing into the tension where your emotions are sitting. Just be there with the feeling, show it compassion. Do this until you feel the lump/ache start to dissipate. You can do this for as long as you wish.

Whats important here isnt that others are validating your feelings (since we can never control that), but that you are validating and honoring them.

Its great to be a supportive partner, but you must find the balance between supporting others and supporting yourself. Regardless of what any outsider thinks, you ARE affected by the actions of everyone else in your family. And your experience deserves to be acknowledged and tended to with love.

*Join Jenna in the Stepmom Revolution private Facebook group.