Texts, Decoded: The Difference Between Hi, Hello, and Heyyyyy

Texting is confusing. When you can only read the words somebody types, without seeing their face or hearing their voice, it's so hard to truly understand what they're trying to say. That's why texts don't always get across the message the texter intends. Thankfully, I'm here to explain some common text-message greetings to all you novice texters and/or alien life forms who plan to take over the earth some day with texting.

What your friend, the texter, means to say:
I'm a casual, fun person who is down for whatever.

How it comes across:
I'm your dad! I'm trying to get on your level and connect with you, dawg. BIG UPS!

What your friend means:
Just texting to say hi and see how you're doing.

How it comes across:
I feel like maybe you're mad at me because we haven't talked in a while. I'm trying to be normal, and I'll let you bring it up if you feel like it.

What your friend means:
I'm an adult. Treat me like an adult.

How it comes across:
I'm a robot attempting a phishing scam on you OR a political campaign hitting you up for cash.

What your friend means:
I'm trying to start a conversation in a low-key way. Nothing to see here.

How it comes across:
We need to talk. By the end of this conversation I'll let you know why.

What your friend means:
I'm your quirky friend who ends words with z's ironically. WHO KNOWS WHAT I'LL DO NEXT?!

How it comes across:
I try to make all of my texts look like they were written in a super big rush because I want to seem much busier than I am, but in reality, I have carefully chosen every single misspelling and weird capitalization.

What your friend means:
I'm flirty. ;-)

How it comes across:
I'm drunk.

What your friend means:
I'm flirty. ;-)

How it comes across:
I'm flirty and sober. Seriously. Let's do this.

What your friend means:
Hi, friend.

How it comes across:
Hi, friend *in Eeyore voice*

What your friend means:
I'm a man. You're a man. Fist bump!

How it comes across:
We are men. Texting each other. Not a big deal. No funny business. Brb time for one-armed pushups.

What your friend means:
I remember from Psych 101 that people love hearing their own names. If I say her name in a text she'll feel drawn to me without even realizing why. I am a genius!

How it comes across:
I am thinking SO HARD about this conversation. PLEASE LIKE ME. PLEASE, THOUGH. Please.

What your friend means:
I care about punctuation and the English language, so I'll add a period after my greetings.

How it comes across:
I am so angry at you I can't even express it.

What your friend means:
Hello, friend!

How it comes across:
I need something from you. After a few compulsory texts about how you're doing, I'll get to it.

What your friend means:
Hi, friend. Let's start up a casual conversation.

How it comes across:
I'm either slightly older than you are or feel in my heart that I'm just a little better than you. I'm trying so hard to be on your level without sounding patronizing, but I'm still gonna be just a tad patronizing.

What your friend means:
What's new?

How it comes across:
I know I should talk to you, but I really don't have anything to say.

What your friend means:
It's 3 A.M. Wanna hook up?

How it comes across:
It's 3 A.M. Wanna hook up?

What your friend means:
I'm mysterious and intelligent. I speak other languages!

How it comes across:
I took Spanish through all of high school and the first year of college, so I once had a solid grasp of the language. I should have gone abroad and really gotten fluent, but other stuff got in the way, ya know? Still, if you wanted to call my bluff and text me back in Spanish, I could probably have a conversation.

What your friend means:
Let's talk.

How it comes across:
I heard you said something about me. Say it to my face.

What your friend means:
I'm in your neighborhood and am curious if you're around. Maybe we can meet up.

How it comes across:
I know where you are, but I don't wanna seem like a creep.

What your friend means:
You stopped texting me. Are you still there?

How it comes across:
You've seriously pissed me off now.

What your friend means:
Long time no see. How's your life nowadays?

How it comes across:
I heard you got an impressive job in a field I'm interested in/moved to a city I'm planning to visit and I need a place to stay.

What your friend means:
I'm being a little silly, but I really do want to know how you are.

How it comes across:
Remember Joey Tribbiani ? That dude was hilarious.

What your friend means:
I'm fun and ironically anachronistic .

How it comes across:
What a time to be alive! 2001 is fantastic . I am LOVING my Nokia 3210. Let's grab a beer.

What your friend means:
I HAVE HUGE NEWS. Answer now or my excitement will fade.

How it comes across:
Either I have huge news or I'm super pissed at you. Take your chances.

What your friend means:
I miss you.

How it comes across:
REMEMBER WHAT WE HAD? I DO. IT'S 4 A.M. AND I'M LOOKING AT YOUR OLD PROFILE PICTURES ON FACEBOOK. YOUR NEW LIFE LOOKS SO EXCITING AND I JUST WISH I WERE A PART OF IT. *sobs*

What your friend means:
I'm HILARIOUS. YOU'RE TOTALLY NOT AN ALIEN AND IT'S EXTRAORDINARILY FUNNY THAT I'M PRETENDING YOU ARE. P.S. "The Big Bang Theory" is my favorite show. Bazinga !

How it comes across:
I have zero idea how people interact socially, but at least I'm trying.