The Abridged Trump Press Conference

The ship of state is adrift with an asshole at the helm.

For those of you missed it, here’s a brief summary of the Donald Trump press conference yesterday.

1) I’m going to be the President and the president cannot have a conflict of interest. The president is above the law. (I believe Richard Nixon tried this one, too.)

2) I could continue to run my company and the country at the same time and would do an amazing job, believe me. It would be awesome but I decided not to do that. I just turned down a $2 billion deal with my good friend Hussain Sajwani, who is a wonderful Musli...uh, man from Dubai. Wonderful family. But, because I am such a scrupulous and nice guy, I turned it down.

3) I am not going to sell my business under any circumstances but to muddy up the appearance of conflicts of interest I’m turning over the running of the company to my two idiot sons and a Jewish guy who’s worked for me for a hundred years whom I actually trust not to screw it up.

4) As long as I am President, I promise not to talk to any of these people about the business. Cross my heart. Trust me.

5) We’re going to repeal and replace Obamacare practically within an hour or two of each other with something really terrific. It’s gonna so much better. It’s going to be so amazing. Believe me.

6) Remember when I was out on the campaign trail...massive, massive crowds, by the way...and you used to chant “Build the Wall” and I used to say ‘And who’s going to pay for the wall?” And you would yell “Mexico.” Well, actually, you are going to advance a few billion dollars and trust me to get it back, maybe not directly, sometime later. Honest. Really.

7) If Putin likes me, I like him. I like people who pretend to kiss my ass and I really love people who have compromising videos of Russian hookers making pee pee on my bed while I’m in it.

8) But, that couldn’t be me because I’m a germophobe. (I believed him until he said that partit probably makes it extra kinky.)

9) Pay no attention to that inappropriate applause when I say something. They’re aides of mine that we paid to come and make you disgusting people look like partisan hacks.

10) I’m going to pick a fight with CNN so the press will talk about that instead of the fact that I filibustered the press conference with the same old bullshit one-liners that we had so much fun with out on the campaign trail instead of answering real questions like: were any of my people in touch with the Russians during the campaign.

This is how it’s going to be, folks for the next four miserable years. Chaos and mayhem. Fake news and fake president. Fear and loathing Atonal music.

The ship of state is about to be adrift, with an asshole at the helm.