The Most Important Words In Marriage

Ive been married for a year now. Im 37 and it feels odd to say Im a newlywed. This is not my first rodeo. I am a mother and a woman who has seen much and heard even more. And perhaps said even more than that.

I am in a word - verbose, at times. And the other times Im thinking it.

The good Lord blessed me with a second chance at love in the last few years, a new marriage and a man who likes to talk. And, in our first year of marriage, Ive learned a few things about words. Its a feat when you consider Ive spent a lifetime with words.

In design, theres this thing called white space. It changes everything. In our lives, we call it margin. In marriage, I dont think we have a name for it. But, we should.

Its is the land of the unsaid. Its a space that can be far more profound, and at times more impactful, than anything we say -- no matter its measure of thought, cleverness or depth.

In design, white space allows the main thing to pop. The main thing gets to be the main thing. The thing about white space is that it has to be used with care or the design looks lackluster, desolate even. And its this way in marriage, Ive learned.

I dont always say the right thing in this journey of marriage - because Im an imperfect human, married to a wonderful, but imperfect, human. But, if Im learning anything, its the power of silence. Not the kind thats cold and uncaring or vengeful and vindictive. Its the sort of silence that holds a moment sacred. Its the sort of quiet that says I understand theres nothing to say right now to make this better. Im here. And thats more important than words.

The amazing thing about this silence at the right moment is that it gives the person you love space to really be without thought of response or a line of defense.

Nearly a decade ago, a wise woman in a Bible study shared this nugget - I am not Scotts Holy Spirit. Ill never forget it. (And how beautiful to later marry my own Scott.) There is nothing we can say to a spouse or friend more profound than what the Holy Spirit can impress on them.

There are certainly times to speak up and to speak certain things over the lives of those we love. But, in a culture that accepts nonstop stimulation, constant words and an overload of verbiage as normal, its time to stop and be as thoughtful with the words we speak as we are with whether we speak any at all. Proverbs 18:21 tells us that death and life are in the power of the tongue. In Proverbs 12 were told the tongue of the wise brings healing. And perhaps most important is the reminder in Matthew 12:36 about just how seriously our savior takes the words we speak: ... on the day of judgement people will give account for every careless word they speak.

While its simple to say and understand how we will all answer for the words we speak, its much easier to overlook the reality of the power of our words in the heat of the moment. To unleash all the words at the times we want to most, which unfairly seems to nearly always coincide with when we should be silent.

There is no divine net to retrieve spoken words or erase them from the mind of the hearer. Words may be intangible. But, they burn bridges, scar hearts and open wounds with but a whisper like a blue-tinged flame brought too close. Choose to use them with as much care with those you love as you would a torch.

A version of this article was published in Covenant Spotlight Magazine.