The Value of Non-Negotiables in Healing from Food Obsession

Decide that theres a bottom line, that you have basic needs, and they are non-negotiable. Geneen Roth

Your Basic Needs

Many people with problematic eating behaviours are using food to meet needs that have nothing to do with physical hunger.

These needs may be physical, for example: feeling tired is actually a need for rest; feeling cold the need is for physical warmth; or when ill, eating can distract from or comfort the discomfort. Or they may be emotional. For example, a need for safety/ security; a need for belonging; a need for love/acceptance, a need for play/pleasure etc. Ive written quite extensively on my blog about the importance of understanding and meeting your needs. Heres one .

As you become more aware of the needs you meet with food, youll find some show up more often than others. This points to something it points to the needs that are requiring your attention.

In my experience, its likely you will continue to overeat until you begin to meet your needs appropriately and consistently because food can only meet one deep need: the need for nutritional sustenance. Thats not to say that it shouldnt also be used to celebrate, or to comfort emotional distress from time to time but if youre reading this, its likely food is being used as a stand in for aspects of your own self-care.

About Non-Negotiables

When I was seriously working on resolving my eating issues, I noticed that rest was a need I was often meeting with extra food.

I decided to be proactive about it. Instead of waiting for the next time I felt tired, I decided to rest on purpose, tired or not. Every afternoon for a period of time cant remember how long now I lay down for 15 or 20 minutes. Im not a day-time napper but what I did was to lie down, without anything to do. I set my alarm and closed my eyes. I never fell asleep, but I did deeply rest.

It changed things.

* I stopped eating because of tiredness.* I was in a better mood for my family in the evening.* I had energy for the rest of the day.* I didnt need to go to bed, grumpy at 8:30!

Mostly, it reinforced the message to my brain, that I am worthy of rest; that I have my own permission to rest and to take care of myself.

For a period of time, that practice of daily rest was non-negotiable.

Over the years since then, Ive developed practices and routines that I know are the minimum baseline for my well-being. My well-being matters because I matter. When I believed I didnt matter, or that my needs didnt matter, I didnt take good care of myself.

As Geneen Roth says decide that theres a bottom line in other words what is your minimum baseline? What do you need, consistently, for your own well-being. Note I said well-being, not survival. If youre reading this youre doing enough for that!

To give you an example, these are mine:

* daily meditation* movement of some kind, depending on what my body is asking for* making sure that I eat when Im hungry, and eat what I want to eat* removing myself from conversations that are not being conducted respectfully* drinking adequate fluid* getting enough sleep/rest

Non-Negotiables and Perfection

When you hear the word non-negotiable it sounds very definite, doesnt it like its cast in stone. This lends itself to black and white thinking. Diet mentality is black and white and we know where that leads to rebellion.

Instead, see it as a line drawn in the sand. Sand is flexible and forgiving. Your intention is to have these non-negotiables in place because they support your well-being. Not because theyll make you thin(ner) or a better [insert role] but because your happiness, your well-being, your enjoyment of life matters!

That doesnt mean that on some days you wont make other choices (and accept the consequences of those decisions). You will. Theres room for that when the line is in the sand.

This isnt about being perfect. Its about self-care.

Evolution of Non-Negotiables

You may find over time that your non-negotiables change shape. I found that with rest. After a while of resting on purpose every afternoon, I didnt need to do it anymore. But from time to time, when fatigue hits thats my cue to meet that need. A couple of years ago, I hit such a period and took the drastic action to make Fridays a rest day until I felt rested enough to change it.

Over time, you may notice that a practice in some other form of self-care is essential to your well-being so you practice that until something changes or, you recognise its one of those pieces that needs to stay. Thats how my list evolved.

For You

My invitation to you is to think about your minimum baseline for self-care. What are the elements for you? Theres no need to come up with an exhaustive list. You can simply start with one thing. Commit to it. Practice. Show up for yourself. Then reassess periodically. Add something. Change something.

Youre a dynamic being with changing needs and priorities.

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