8 Things Happy Couples Do When They Feel Disconnected

It’s relatively easy to point out the signs of an emotionally disconnected couple: They stonewall  (i.e., give each other the silent treatment), lose interest in the details of each other’s lives, and feel unmoved by shows of affection from each other.

Although we hear a lot about the signs that a marriage is in rough water, we rarely see how couples get through those rocky moments. 

What do those “Are we OK?” conversations sound like? What kinds of compromises do they make? What changes do they make to ensure the issues don’t crop up again in the near future? 

In an effort to find out, we asked marriage therapists to share what relatively happy couples they work with do when they’re feeling out of sync. Read what they had to say below.

1. They address the disconnect quickly.

To get to the heart of a problem, first you have to recognize there even is a problem. Giving something a name makes it real, as opposed to an unstated, gnawing feeling that something is off in your relationship.

“Instead of holding in whatever’s bothering them and letting it fester, couples who feel safe and secure in their relationships bring it up in a non-critical manner as soon as possible,” said Danielle Kepler , owner and therapist at DK Therapy in Chicago. 

“They might say something as simple as, ‘It feels like we haven’t had any time this week to connect. Can we take some time just the two of us this weekend?’” she continued.

2. They also make it a ‘we’ problem instead of a ‘you’ problem.

Couples in solid relationships try their hardest not to lay the blame on the other. To that end, they’ve made some tweaks to the way they speak to each other: Specifically, when discussing any thorny issues, they use “we” language instead of “you” language, Kepler said. 

For instance, “It’s important to me that we’re in agreement on what we do for child care when I go back to work,” not “I really need you to get with the program on this child care thing.” 

“This helps to reduce possible defensiveness and one partner feeling ‘blamed’ for the disconnect,” Kepler said. “Connection works both ways; both partners are responsible for turning toward their partner.”

“Happy couples talk openly about why they may be feeling the way they’re feeling,” Cohan said. “Maybe the disconnect is not about the relationship, but about some individual problem, past or present.” 

When a partner pushes away or otherwise creates distance, the secure person tries not to immediately take it personally, added Susan Pease Gadoua , a therapist in Northern California.

“Happy partners understand that they are not the cause of the issue,” she said. “They trust that their partner would talk to them about the issue if it did involve something they did. Happy partners communicate openly and honestly so when there are breaches in their connection, they can withstand them much better than if they were conflict avoidant , for example, and had no foundation in trust because they lacked honesty.”

6. They handle their partner’s feelings sensitively and are quick to ask, ‘How can I help?’

Those in healthy relationships find it easy to put themselves in their partner’s shoes or else they’ve learned how to do it with time and practice.

“A little thoughtfulness in this conversation can make a big difference,” Howes said. “Are they overwhelmed at work? Are they experiencing grief, anxiety or self-esteem problems?”

Rather than blasting them with, ‘I need more from you!’ the therapist said you might soften this with something like, ‘I know work has been a mess for you lately, is there anything I can do to help so we can free up some time to connect?’”

“This is an appeal for partnership, and if both of you hold this mindset you may be able to support each other on multiple fronts,” Howes said.

8. They follow through.

Bridging the divide here isn’t solely about good communication; happy couples back their words up with measurable actions, Howes said.

“You have to set realistic goals and follow through to get back on track,” he said. “Will you actually make that camping trip or date night happen, or were they just empty words?”