To Light or Not to Light--Or Parenting Confident Children

When I was ten, my neighbor, Missy Bauer, asked why my family didnt have a Christmas tree. Missy was blonde and pretty, with dimples in her cheeks and elbows and knees. She was a friend, but a second-tier friend, because she wasnt as inventive as Annie or as lively as Liese. And besides, when we were pretending to be fighting capture by pirates, and it was Missys turn to do the pirate voice, she always said things like, You, the pretty one, and then leaped in to simper, You mean me?

But I dont get why you want to have a Christmas tree, Missy said on this non-pirate-fighting occasion.

Because Christmas means Christ mass, said my ten-year-old self. To celebrate the birth ofJesus. But were Jewish. So we dont think Jesus is God.

So?

So, we dont celebrate his birthday. Because were Jews.

Missy pushed harder. But couldnt you have a tree anyway?

Why would we have a tree if we dont believe Jesus is God?

She looked around, astonished. Well, to be like everybody else."

Even at ten, I already knewWho wanted to be like everybody else?

I mention Missy because theres a heated discussion on a local Facebook page, an argument among Jewish mammelehs (little Mamas) that I might dub, to Light or Not to Light. These Jewish moms arent wondering whether to light the candles on a menorah. Instead, the big talk is about draping electric blue lights on the outside of their houses, or setting up enormous, flashing candelabras on their front porch; or whether the lawn should sport a blow-up, life-sized Olaf, the snowman from FrozenBecause hes played by a Jewish actor. So that makes it okay for Chanukah. Right?

There are points made: Its wasting energy. Its tough to be a Jewish kid. But my kids are driving me crazy asking for lights. Well, we have always had a Chanukah bush and it didnt hurt me.

Most of the posts, though, seem to be missing the big question: How to teach our children to be proud of their differences in a world that likes to force us all to be the same?

Look, we live in a majority Christian country. That means that every year, (these days starting from before Halloween till sometime mid-January) Christian and non-Christian, adult and children, are bombarded with Merry Christmas; little buddies flaunting heaps of Christmas presents, and endless renditions of The Little Drummer Boy should we happen to turn on a radio or enter a store. In the face of this, we who are not part of in the majority must still find a way to teach our children to be proud and confident.

In a sense, then, for a Jewish (Muslim, Bahai, Hindu, Buddhist) parent, Christmas is a terrific opportunity. Because we are all different. Theres always something, no matter how hard we might try to fit in. If we cant find a way to be proud of our differences, well be crushed by them.

This is how we do it in our family: Chanukah is just a little holiday. Several others are much more important, though this one is fun. We play driedl games, do holiday puzzles and tell stories. And we give eight nights of presents, though the big ones are only the first and last nights. We go ice skating or sledding on Christmas day, which can be very lonely with everybody else greeting family. And we play a heated dibs game of Counting Christmas Trees, for any time we drive any place at all.

Most of all, we keep our greater goal in mind: to raise children who can happily tell their own Missy Bauer: Sorry, but I dont want to be like everybody else. (And then confidently, when their Missy says, You. The pretty one, kick the imaginary pirate in the crotch and take over the ship.)