What's Your Conditioning?

Our conditioning starts young! Very young! I was reminded about this when my daughter painted childrens faces at a local event. She had also just completed a two year high-school course in Sociology, so her awareness of socialisation and gender conditioning was in sharp focus. What stood out most to her from the event were the gender-biased comments from parents, grandparents and the children themselves, on the face painting designs.

My daughter has a book of design examples from which the children can choose. To a couple of boys, she said: You can have a pirate, you can have Hello Kitty to which they laughed and said thats for girls! Dont be silly!

When a girl wanted Batman painted on her face, her mother asked my daughter to add flowers.

Another girl wanted a puppy, but her grandfather said No, puppies are for boys.

When a little girl asked for a pirate, her mother flipped through the book suggesting more girlie options.

How were you conditioned?

What sorts of things were you told by your parents, or other people in your life, about how you should look, what you should like, or how you should behave as a girl, or boy? What did you learn about how girls or boys are expected to be, by watching the people in your life?

One phrase my mother said repeatedly, was Suffer to be beautiful. I took that to mean: go hungry so youll be thinner (because of course thin is beautiful); wear shoes that pinch, because they look elegant; wax, pluck etc so you dont look like a man!

I also learned that girls should be helpful, and boys (men) should be served. I dont know if this is across cultures, but in my relatively detribalised South African-Greek upbringing, the girls helped, and the boys not sure what they did, but I know they werent in the kitchen with me and my sister! Of course this message was globalised into serve others. And then with years of receiving approval for serving others, it became even if it means over-riding your own needs.

Girls should hold back and watch the boys enjoy themselves. I remember my mother buying sweets and treats for the boys which we watched them eat, because we were being good.

How does this play out in your life NOW?

I yo-yod between suffering through dieting and overexercising, and rebelling against my mothers idea that one needed to suffer to be beautiful. Now, I dont give a monkeys about what is considered beautiful. Yesterday I had a full spa day, without a bikini wax. I just could not be bothered enough! I wear clothing and shoes that feel comfortable; I do not starve or deprive myself, nor do I over-exercise.

The message about serving others has had such an enormous impact on my life. Ive come a long way with it it really has taken a lot of effort, practice and willingness to feel discomfort to change my behaviour. I used to run myself ragged to help and support other people. Id automatically get up from the dinner table to get whatever anyone needed. Often Id know instantly they were looking for salt, mustard or salad dressing, without them having to breathe a word. I could write a book of examples.

Now, I do still get into over-helping, but much much much less than I used to. I recognise it more quickly, often as its happening, check out my motivation, and make a decision about whether or not to continue. Sometimes I miss

Stepping out of your conditioning

1. Whats the cost of keeping the conditioning active?

What helped me to put in the effort to change my behaviour, was recognising the impacts, not just on me, but on others as well. Ill focus on serving others as its had the biggest impact on my life. I encourage you to look at this through the lens of your own conditioning.

• I realised how energy sapping it is to serve others out of a sense of duty, obligation or a wish to gain or retain their approval;
• I realised that I didnt want to live my life trying to gain or retain peoples approval;
• I saw the impacts on my husband and children especially; frankly, my over-helping was disempowering. My kids could have developed independence skills earlier; their Dad could have had more of a role in supporting them which would have been good for them all, and good for me!

2. Notice the behaviour

Its stating the obvious to say that you have to notice what youre doing to be able to change it! Once youve revealed your still-active conditioning and recognised the impacts, you can then decide if you want to put in the effort to change it.

Without judging or trying to change, simply have an intention to notice the behaviour. You can even ask for support. My husband and kids are great at that!

Then watch yourself.

Notice your experience of doing what youre doing.

3. Ask yourself

If you like the experience of doing what youre doing, ask yourself why? What is it about this that you like?

Is it the approval from others the thanks, the acknowledgement? Is it your own acknowledgement you like? Perhaps you can hear yourself saying youre a kind person for doing this, youre a good and valued person, this is what good [insert role mothers/ wives/ daughters/ sisters/ friends] do. Perhaps others say Youre always giving to others, youre amazing, You seem to have endless energy, we can always rely on you to show up and help.

If you dont like the experience, ask yourself why? How does it make you feel? Sad? Tired? Angry? What thoughts go through your mind that trigger that feeling? For me, it would be thoughts like: Its all up to me, I have to do everything around here.

4. Is it true?

Dig deep and tell yourself the truth. Does acting out your conditioning actually mean the things you tell yourself? Is it really true, for example, that serving others makes me valuable, a good/better person, or a good/better mother, wife etc? No! It really doesnt.

And does it mean that I actually do have to do it all? The fact that I have done so for years and years doesnt mean that I should or have to. The truth is more likely to be that those around me have given up, because they havent had the chance to participate.

5. Look out for opportunities

This is the fun and hard part! Now that youre noticing more when youre acting out your conditioning, look for opportunities to do something different. It helps to have some support: my husband is brilliant with this.

In my case, at large family gatherings or parties, I would typically be up and down like a jack-in-the-box. These were my opportunities to sit. Have you any idea how uncomfortable that was (and still is sometimes)? I could feel the physical urge to get up and clear plates, wash dishes, collect glasses, replenish water jugs

But I would sit.

My mind would go crazy!

Theyll think youre lazy, a slob, an unhelpful, ungrateful lout!

Its not fair that youre sitting when so-and-so is running around like a chicken without a head. Shes been working all day and youre just sitting. Its wrong!

I would need to remind myself that Im intentionally practising doing less; that Im detaching from my conditioning and that it doesnt mean anything about me as a person.

I would need to watch others receiving thanks for their help, while reminding myself that I no longer want to live my life seeking the approval of others.

And the support of others who know what youre trying to do, is helpful too. Now at social gatherings, if my husband sees me clearing, filling, emptying. he just needs to look at me without saying anything, for me to take a breath and discern my motivations for the doing. Which doesnt mean I never help!

6. Where discernment comes in

The trouble with this kind of conditioning, around doing for others, is that it feeds into a value that I hold very dearly: which is about being of service. It matters to me to be a part of the bigger picture; to have a positive impact in the world.

The question to ask is: what or who am I serving here? Am I serving my ego, or am I truly serving others, from my heart? Is the doing or serving appropriate? Am I doing more than my part? Is it for my and/others highest good?

Tell me about you and your conditioning, particularly the impacts of it, and the opportunities you can see where you will practice de-conditioning.

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