Who Was I Before I Met You?

Before you I was lost. Confused. Sometimes even a little depressed. I made some silly decisions, but who doesn't when they're young? Nothing too bad, but not always the smartest choices. But hey, I made it out alive right? I know (and hope) you'll be better than me. Well, better than I was, I think I'm doing more than good enough these days (most of the time).

You're my itty bitty soul sister. A part of me living outside of me. You somehow understand my heart, my fear, my anxiety, and when I just need you close. You may be too young to comprehend the depth and causes of my demons, but you somehow find your way to the same wavelength as me. You're a toddler, a little girl, but you're so much more. If I'm sad or worried, I do all that I can to keep it together for you. Even when I know I'm hiding it well, you still don't leave my side. You sit with me, on my lap or nearby. You keep a watchful eye just as I do for you. It's unconditional. True unconditional love. You understand my heart from the inside as your first home was right beneath it. You're growing, but so am I. I'm still fairly young so we're growing together; how cool is that?

I knew that a mother's love runs deep, but the actual depth is nearly immeasurable. To see you happy creates more than just happiness for me. A good day for you is an even better day for me. You think I'm funny when no one else does, don't we all need someone like that in our life? I hope you stay my best friend. I'm sure we'll disagree and there may be days that you think that I'm the worst, but please never forgot that no one in this world loves you exactly as I do. For 2 days short of ten months, we didn't leave each other for a second; we were one. Doctor appointments, long days at work, afternoon naps, day-long 'morning' sickness, cheesy bread binges, long train rides to the chiropractor... you were always there and you didn't even have to try. Our friendship was nearly effortless from the start.

On the day you started to make your arrival, I was scared. I knew it was going to hurt. I knew there was no turning back. Off to the great unknown... I couldn't believe that I was able to push you into this world. The first time I held you, it was still unbelievable that you were there and that you were real. You were so warm and chubby. I couldn't believe that you were all mine (and daddy's too). My entire life was forever changed from the moment you took your first breath. I no longer had one life, I suddenly had two.

When we brought you home, it felt as if we were stealing something-- someone from the hospital. We arrived a few days earlier with no baby in hand, and there we were heading home with a whole new human being in the outside world. A little person that we were solely responsible for the survival of. One day we weren't officially parents yet, the next day we were, and a few days after that you were coming home with us.

I hope to stay the person you're excited to see at the end of the day. I'll do whatever it takes to keep that special light in our relationship (unless you do something really dumb and deserved whatever punishment you get... on those days you may not like me as much).

Yes, you're going to make me mad some days and we'll inevitably get to some moments when I infuriate you to your core (and 10 years later you'll realize mom was right).

You have the same fire, passion, sarcasm, and stubbornness that I have... I better start building a bunker for myself now. All kidding aside, that's life. That's love. It's not always easy, not every day is full of sunshine, but we learn, we move on, we forgive. You'll learn that forgiveness is one of the most freeing parts of life.

My sweet baby pie-- be kind, be gentle, and try to be patient. When you need to, fight like hell. Stand up for yourself. Stand up for others. Love yourself first and foremost. Be respectful. Do what you love, even if it's not cool-- I promise cool runs out after high school. If what you're doing doesn't feel right in your heart, stop and think about it.

I love you with all that I am. Thank you for being here my little ray of sunshine. Thank you for being the most unconditionally loving part of my life. To my mom and all the moms out there, I get it now.