Why I Remain in the Trump Administration

After the presidents vile and indefensible response to Charlottesville, Ive been flooded with calls, texts, emails, and Facebook posts, many of them profane and cruel, demanding to know why I havent resigned from the Trump administration, why I havent spoken out more forcefully. First of all, I did send out a tweet declaring for all the world to see: Nazisnot how I roll. Also, I told Wolf Blitzer off the record that white supremacists are notoriously bad dancers. But apparently that wasnt enough for some people.

It boils down to this: I believe I can do more good, I believe I can better serve my nation and my fellow countrymen and women by remaining in my job as White House tailor.

Take just yesterday. The president needed his pants let out for the third time this month. Its easy for people on the outside to say walk away, let his waistline be tight. But you dont know what hes capable of when theres the slightest pressure on his abdomen. I once saw him fly into a rage and break an antique mirror because his jacket vent had a loose thread. General Mattis begged me to stay on for this very reason. To quote him: It is entirely within the realm of possibility that the slightest improper tailoring, a microscopically crooked inseam, could lead to nuclear war.

Whats more, the Chief of Staff, General Kelly, believes I can use my proximity to the president to appeal to his better angels, and I think hes right. As the presidents become more and more isolated, I am one of the few remaining people outside of his family that he trusts. I earned this trust shortly after the inauguration, when I began cutting his cuffs in such a way as to make his hands look bigger.

Of course my being Jewish makes my decision to stay or resign even more difficult. But here again, I was able to parlay my unique access to take up the cause directly with Jared Kushner . Jared had just bought a new pair of sunglasses, and I was measuring him for a new suit to go with them. I took the opportunity to plead my case. Jared, I said. You and I, were both Jews. Your grandmother was a Holocaust survivor. Wont you please talk to your father-in-law and explain to him that he must once and for all and in no uncertain terms totally disavow the Nazis, KKK, and white supremacists. I think I made an impression, though I cant be sure because Jared was on the phone closing a deal on a high-rise condo in the United Arab Emirates.

Also consider, if I resign, who will replace me? Even before Charlottesville, Steve Bannon and the House Freedom Caucus had been putting intense pressure on the president to fire me and hire Morris Lumpkin, a notoriously racist tailor famous for refusing to use contrast stitching. Is that what you want?

I understand and respect those arguing that I should resign. I hope you can understand and respect my belief that I can fight the good fight better by remaining on the inside. Look, this is not the time to be turning on one another; this is a time we should be uniting against the common enemy. After all, in the end, we all want the same thinga good fitting suit that doesnt bind or ride up.

Interesting aside: Vice President Pence is the only man Ive encountered who refused to tell me which side he dressed on for religious reasons.