Why It's Hard To Be A Woman

Isnt it enough that your vagina bleeds from the time you hit puberty until you basically die? Or that babies of all sorts of shapes, sizes and pounds come ripping out of you ready for life? (If youre into that sorta thing.) Or what about all the Brazilian waxes and anal bleaching kits? Makeup and skincare? Birth control (if youre not a Catholic or not a good one)? Estrogen, menopause? And why is it spelled that way anyway? Cant we have one word that is just ours? Like why is the root word MEN and the last word pause? Is it because men have to pause? Why are they pausing?

Its us! Its always been us. Were the reason theyre around. I know what youre thinking. Shes single, and now we know why.

But seriously, its hard being a woman. We worry about everything and its because society tells us to. Youre getting older, you should have kids. Youre getting thicker, eat a salad. Youre in a bad mood, shove a tampon in you. Youre getting wrinkles, heres a needle. Your husband is cheating, give him a blow job. Your kids are screaming, give them your boob. Get married. Look pretty. Cross your legs. Dont have sex on the first date. Dont eat carbs. Dont eat dairy. Produce dairy! Yada, yada, yada, yada!

I met with an agent once, before I was signed. She told me I needed to lose some weight. Instead of asking that bossy old prune if she needed some water, I smiled as I left and cried all the way to the elevator. Hasnt watching Mean Girls taught anyone anything? Girl-on-girl crime is not okay.

Im sick of it. Im sick of dodging a guy I know on the street because Im not wearing mascara. Im sick of acting like Im not a human who passes gas. You see? Even there, I was reluctant to use the word fart because girls dont do any of that. They dont fart or poop, and when they do, its pink fairy dust that smells like flowers. Well, Ill tell you right now that I come from a long line of gassy women, and although Im not proud, I am not ashamed either.

You know why? Because, Im beautiful. Im smart. Im hilarious and goddammit, people like me. Maybe not after reading this, but generally speaking, Im a catch. Its why Im single.

Actually, the reason why Im single is because I like to curse. A lot. And because I have too many opinions and tattoos. Im not really sure if Im the bring home to your mom type. I tried that once. No bueno. Or maybe Im single because few people know this side of me. But its most likely because I just havent met someone as awesome as I am.

Anyway, I got off on a tangent there for a second. The point is, ladies and gentlemen, dogs, babies, old people, GOVERNMENT: being a woman is hard. So, hey. Cut us some slack. Be nice to us. Give us equal pay. Give us equal rights! And for the love of everything good and beautiful, stop taxing tampons!

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