A 3-Year-Old Gives A Presidential Stump Speech

Hello! What a crowd! Thank you! I want to thank you for being here for me today, and I want to tell you that I'm here for you too. Because this campaign isn't about me. This campaign is about the future. It is about the future of toddlers and preschoolers all over this beautiful country. Because things are good. But they could be even better! Why? Well, for one thing, we must talk about jobs. Or, the lack of jobs. The unemployment rate is just too high. The unemployment rate among 2-year-olds and 3-year-olds is currently at 100 percent.

Drinks from sippy cup.

That's right, folks. I don't know a single preschooler out there with a job. And that's why my first priority as President will be job creation. I'm talking about creating jobs that haven't existed before. Like what, you ask? Jobs like pushing elevator buttons. Pulling books off shelves. Piano banging. Piano banging is not a job, you say? Not yet. But if I'm elected President, you can bet it will be. And that's not all. I want to see doggie petters. I want to see a job where you get to put on your mommy or daddy's shoes and clomp around. And for those of you are too young to put shoes on... I haven't forgotten about you. We have lint picking up and pretend phone talking. And we have playing on iPhones and iPads. I don't care how old you are... I know you can do that.

Laughs. Swipes her finger in the air.

I want to mention my opponent. He has been talking a lot about cutting taxes. Guess what? I am not going to make you any lofty promises about cutting taxes. I am more concerned about a different cut. I'm talking about sandwich cuts. I want to create a universal sandwich cut. No more guessing how a grownup is going to cut your sandwich. Your mom does it one way. Your babysitter another. It's terrifying. I want to see only one kind of sandwich cut used by adults. Two slices. Four squares. No triangles! And no crusts either!

Drinks from sippy cup.

I need to address something the media has jumped on. They said I called my opponent incompetent. I did not. I never once said that he was incompetent. Not one single time. I said that he was incontinent. He isn't potty trained. This isn't an insult. This is a fact. I don't know about you, but I'm not particularly comfortable with a President who poops his diapers. And if you elect me, you don't have to worry about that. I've been potty trained for two solid months... if you don't count nights.

Now, let me talk very briefly about my energy policy. Americans who are my age have a lot of it -- energy -- and I promise you that if I'm elected we are going to get this whole "nap" thing dropped. I've been to playgrounds and parks and preschools from coast to coast. I've talked to so many of you. I've heard you. You have been struggling. An hour. Two hours. It's too much. It's wasted time. It's 365 lost hours a year. For some of you, It's more than 700 hours a year doing nothing. It's cruel. It's pointless. And guess what? We have a message to send: We are done. No more! No more naps!

Crowd chants, "No more naps!"

I believe in you. And I believe in the future of America. I believe in an America where sandwiches are cut uniformly, where naps are only for babies, and where there's a fun job out there for each of us. God bless you. And God bless America.