How Would I Reject R.L. Stine?

The question has been posed to me several times. What would happen if I were a literary agent and I were alive back when famous authors were just starting out? Naturally, I'd reject them with very sarcastic snail mail! In fact, this is one such rejection letter to R. L. Stine, regarding his hit series Goosebumps. Enjoy!

Dear Robert Lawrence Stine.

Please forgive this late letter. I had to work myself up to writing you back after having read your horror story, welcome to Dead House. Therapist's bills got in the way, as well. This children's book, although, I have no idea how you can call this a children's book, is really scary. I believe that it is too scary for children.

I'm not saying that your book will not sell well because I happened to sleep with the light on months after reading about two teens investigating town's folk that happen to be very pale and have a strange fear of an old abandoned house, I'm trying to illustrate the fear that you will instill in our children.

Children enjoy fantasy stories. They enjoy books that are about a boy wizard going to school, not being scared to death. That's just too much adrenaline to be pumping in the body, which certainly is not good for my- the kid's health.

I implore you to understand the reasons why I'm rejecting your book. My- the kids, who pick this book up, will expect more frights. Kids will want to dive into a new spooky series and there are a number of things to be scared at already, such as cupcakes, poodles, and independent reading ambitions.

By rejecting your work that certainly is way too scary for kids way younger than I am, am doing you a solid favor and I am preventing medical bills from increasing.

I plead you not to contact us again with anymore of your Goosebumps submissions. Our electric bill is high enough without leaving the lights on at night and we simply can't afford new blankets.

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

Guts Henderson.