The Red Flags Youre Actually Too Independent, According To Therapists

Theres no shortage of bangers that celebrate being independent. Maybe youve thrown your hands up to Destinys Childs Independent Women Pt.1 or belted out Bon Jovis Its My Life at the top of your lungs in the car. These songs conjure up the idea of someone strong and capable of taking care of themself without any help whatsoever. 

Theres no question that American culture sees independence as a virtue. Doing something on your own without asking for help is praised. Even in a relationship, maybe you are someone who prides yourself on not needing your partner to care for you emotionally or financially. 

Certainly, there is value in being independent. However, according to therapists, when taken to the extreme, independence can get in the way of maintaining healthy relationships and also cause a lot of anxiety. Theres actually a term for it: hyper-independence, which is known as an extreme form of self-reliance and actively avoiding relying on others for help.

Knowing the difference between healthy independence and hyper-independence is tricky. But if you are hyper-independent, learning how to ask for help can benefit both your relationships and overall mental health. 

Healthy Independence Vs. Hyper-Independence 

Hyper-independence is over-relying on yourself and under-relying on others. Its also known as toxic independence, Summer Forlenza , a licensed family and marriage therapist who specializes in the impacts of trauma, told HuffPost.

Someone hyper-independent may, for example, not ask for help at work even when feeling completely lost, insist on their partner never paying for them or have trouble delegating because they dont trust others to do the task right.

Liana Ross , a licensed mental health counselor and host of the podcast Lets Be Honest , told HuffPost that its helpful to think of independence as a spectrum.

Its all about severity. Hyper-independence is an extreme form of self-reliance, possibly to the point of isolating yourself from your support network and refusing help even when its much needed, she said.

Ross emphasized that independence isnt inherently bad; it is often a good thing. But if your level of independence is reaching the point where its negatively impacting your relationships or causing you anxiety, thats when its likely too much.

Both therapists told HuffPost that hyper-independence often stems from experiences of trauma , such as having unreliable caregivers as a child.

If, as a child, you had to take care of yourself or your siblings, it may have been beneficial for you to figure out everything on your own. But then later in life, those patterns that have become ingrained in you can play out in romantic relationships, friendships and other relationships, Lauren Auer , a clinical mental health counselor who specializes in trauma, told HuffPost.

According to Forlenza, having your trust broken or experiencing betrayal can also lead to hyper-independence especially if you have been let down repeatedly. She explained that since the people you trusted ended up unreliable, it can lead to never wanting to trust someone else again.

All three therapists told HuffPost that hyper-independence can negatively impact ones life in a few ways. According to Auer, one is that life can get really overwhelming if you never ask for help.

This can lead to feeling really stressed or burned out, she said. Forlenza added that hyper-independence can also make someone prone to self-isolation, leading to loneliness . 

Hyper-independence can get in the way of maintaining healthy relationships, particularly romantic relationships.

In romantic relationships, the goal is to be a team. Hyper-independence makes that very hard because its the idea that you can do everything on your own and you dont need the other person, Ross said. She added that people who are hyper-independent tend to have an avoidant attachment style , meaning they do not believe they need emotional intimacy. This makes it very hard to have a trusting, vulnerable relationship, she said.

Auer added that the inability to be trusting and vulnerable can also impede family relationships and friendships. Forlenza agreed, saying, Humans are social beings. Were meant to rely on each other. 

So, how do you start to do that if it goes against every fiber in your being?

How To Overcome Hyper-Independence 

If youre reading this and are starting to recognize signs of hyper-independence in yourself and want to take steps to change, Forlenza recommends first honoring the ways that hyper-independence has served you. There may have been reasons for your hyper-independence in the past that were important. For example, Forlenza said that if you didnt have caregivers who took proper care of you, being hyper-independent was a valuable skill to develop.

Its really helpful to honor and express gratitude for whats worked about it, she said.

Next, Forlenza said to think about areas of your life where being hyper-independent isnt working for you. For example, do you feel completely overwhelmed when asking someone you trust for a favor like to watch your kids for a couple of hours or to drive you somewhere you need to go would take a huge burden off your shoulders? Is there something at work you feel in over your head about when you know a colleague could easily help you out? Would asking your partner for their help with something or letting them pay for your next date make them feel valued? 

Once you identify the parts of your life where you can benefit from being a little less independent, Forlenza recommends taking baby steps toward relying on others. Identify who in your life feels safe and see how it feels opening up a little to them, she said.

Auer said it can also be beneficial to remember that the vast majority of people want to help the people in their life they care about. If you knew a friend was going through a hard time and they asked for your help, chances are you would be grateful they asked.

It feels really good to help! Thats how you build a healthy relationship, Auer said.

Of course swinging the pendulum to the other end of the spectrum can be just as harmful as being hyper-independent. Extreme codependency isnt good either, Ross said. Its important to find the inner ground.

It bears repeating that independence is a positive trait and even hyper-independence has its benefits and can serve a purpose. But when taken to the extreme, independence can lead to anxiety, burnout and loneliness. Everyone needs help from time to time and asking for it isnt a sign of weakness. In fact, it will very likely make you stronger.