A Goodbye Letter To Earth

Hi, Earth —

It’s me, Jon. How are you? Dying a slow and painful death? Yeah, thought so.

(at this point pretend that I am doing an audible sigh)

I know we haven’t had the greatest relationship over the years. At points I’ve thrown things that should be recycled in the trash. Admittedly, I’ve left the water running while brushing my teeth. The other day I saw an Air Bud VHS tape lying in the park grass and I picked it up — not because I care about you, but because I love both dogs and basketball. It was selfless. What I’m trying to say is, I’ve made my fair share of mistakes. And I’m sorry.

You’ve done so much for me. Trees are v cool. I fuck with oceans. You create a home for cows who then make cheese AND I LOVE CHEESE. As humans, we don’t deserve you. So at the very least we could take care of you. Right? Lol nahhhh.

We put you second like two of our friends were having parties the same night and we just quickly stopped by yours to get it out of the way so that we could go to the cooler friends house. You know what I mean? We’re treating you like The Hangover II when in reality we should be treating you like the original. You’re just an afterthought like checking for your keys after leaving the house or like thinking of a great comeback after an argument. Oh, which reminds me, Rachel, at least I didn’t lose the suitcase in Cabo!!! Boom.

It’s like some sort of sick plot twist in a movie.

Anyways, you get the point. And we need to do better. I need to to better.

How? Well, to start, probably not by dropping out of the Paris Accord. I don’t want to begin placing blame, but I’m following the CO2 footprints and they’re leading me to people like Donald Trump . Climate change deniers. Corporate sellouts. My friend Jake from high school. Seriously, fuck Jake he sucked.

Saving the planet is an uphill battle, and not just because we’re going to have to head for higher ground once the sea levels rise.

Today, the so called “leader of the free world” took a dangerous, polarizing stance and pulled out of a necessary global climate agreement. In doing so he turned a blind eye and small hands to accomplished scientists, a majority of citizens, the pope, and, yes, my very own mother. Shame on you, Donald Trump. I haven’t seen my mom this mad since the election, the Muslim ban, the healthcare bill, the Comey firing, etc.

I know I’m just one person/model/middle school basketball state champion, but I will continue to educate myself and improve my perspective when it comes to the environment. I hope that our leaders will do the same. If for no other reason than that I’m Jewish and sweat a lot outside and I can’t have this whole global warming thing.

Humankind won’t be around forever, especially if we can’t get our act together. And so, Earth, if this is goodbye, I want you to remember me for who I really am: a pretty average person. In return, I will remember you for sand and water and stuff like that.

Thanks for everything

Jon

P.S. Sorry again for Trump

P.S.S Let’s talk offline about the Bermuda Triangle